


Bernard's Special Day

by merriman



Category: Black Books
Genre: Birthday, Gen, booze
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-24
Updated: 2014-12-24
Packaged: 2018-03-03 09:07:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2845598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merriman/pseuds/merriman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's almost Bernard's birthday!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bernard's Special Day

**Author's Note:**

  * For [samsnow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/samsnow/gifts).



"He found it," Manny said when Fran showed up at the store. Bernard was passed out at his desk, two empty bottles on the blotter in front of him. Fran sighed and went over, picking both bottles up and tossing them in the bin. 

"Good thing I got more," she said, holding up the bag she'd been carrying. "I had a feeling he might stumble upon them."

"We'll have to hide them somewhere else!" Manny looked around, frantic. Bernard's birthday was the next day and he had spent the week ahead grousing about what a waste of time birthdays were, then switching to demanding gallons of booze for his Special Day.

Fran looked around the shop, then pointed towards the flat behind the curtain. Manny shook his head somewhat desperately and raced around the store. He had to stop at the sticky patch by the door, which seemed to just appear no matter how often Manny mopped. 

"What about back here?" Fran suggested, crouching low down by a bookcase in the alcove. 

Manny dashed over. "Perfect! He hates these books. He said they're being punished."

Fran looked around at him. "Punished? Wait, no, don't explain. It's far less painful if you don't explain." She pulled four of the books out, noting that they had all been tied closed with twine and bore stickers proclaiming them "75% more!" More what, she had no idea. She shoved the bag with Bernard's replacement booze into the back of the bookcase and replaced the books. Standing up, she brushed off her hands and smiled brightly at Manny. "Done!"

Manny sagged in relief.

"Do we dare go out to get lunch?" he asked, glancing at Bernard, who had not moved one bit.

Fran looked and shrugged. "I think it's probably safe. He went through two bottles, plus whatever he'd already had this morning. And I'm starving."

As it turned out, it was not safe. When Fran and Manny returned an hour later they found Bernard exactly where he had been at his desk, still passed out, in precisely the same position, but with two more bottles on the blotter. In the alcove the bottom shelves had been entirely cleared out, all of the books strewn across the floor. As Fran went over to look she noticed that they had been arranged to form the letters N O. 

"Clearly we need to hide them better," she sighed.

Half an hour later they had procured two more bottles and were looking for places to stash them.

"What if we don't hide them together?" Manny suggested. "Split them up. He can't find them both."

"He could," Fran warned. "He found the others."

They dug through the store for a while, then Manny had the bright idea of putting them in the back garden.

"Do we dare?" he asked Fran, who grabbed the bottles and stormed out behind the flat, returning a few minutes later looking disheveled and somewhat frightened.

"I made a map," she said, holding it out to Manny. He took it, studied it, then ate it.

Fran watched with undisguised disgust. "I wrote that on a used burger wrapper."

"Good. I needed the sustenance."

Fran shook her head, then looked at her phone as it buzzed at her. "Damn, I've got to run. I'll be back, okay? Keep an eye on him!"

When she returned two hours later there were two more bottles in front of Bernard and Manny was prone on the floor, staring at the ceiling in shock.

"I was watching!" he said when Fran peered down at him. "He sniffed them out like a bloodhound!"

Fran had been ready for this and held up two more bottles. She had also grabbed a large coat from home and showed Manny as she tucked the bottles into two large inner pockets. 

"There," she said, patting the coat. "Safe and sound."

They retreated into the flat to chat while Bernard slept off his binge. A few minutes before midnight they heard a sudden commotion in the shop.

"Where is it?" Bernard cried, and there was a thump as he fell out of his chair. He appeared in the doorway, curtain tangled around him. He batted it away and looked around, eyes wild. "I know it's here."

Fran shrieked and was out of her seat in a flash as Bernard settled on her as the source of the wine he knew was there. She pulled one bottle out of her coat pocket and offered it to him.

Bernard took the bottle and squinted at her. "I know there's more," he said, suspicious. "I can smell it."  
The clock chimed midnight behind Fran and both she and Manny shared a look.

"Technically it is his birthday," she told him. 

Manny sighed and nodded. "Fine."

Fran took out the other bottle and handed it to Bernard. 

He took it and shook his head. "You know, I really thought I could count on the two of you for my birthday. Well. No. I didn't. I knew you'd disappoint me. Like always. Just two bottles of wine. Amazing." And with that he stalked upstairs, one bottle already open.


End file.
